Welcome to the liberal utopia of New York City!
My name is Michael Bloomberg and yes – I am smarter than you.
I come before you today to remind you of how much I have improved this city during my time as mayor. I have eliminated the most pressing issues facing the city today such as:
- Drinking a 20 ounce soda – Yes, thanks to me you need not be afraid of such wanton criminals looking to refresh themselves. That terrifying criminal act is no longer allowed in our city and I take pride in eliminating it.
- Giving food to the homeless – Homeless people need not be tortured by those who are providing food to them. They can thank me for the fact that they are starving today.
- Baby Formula – Babies will no longer be drugged by companies looking to profit off them.
Now, I would like to tell you about my latest success.
My private army – I mean the NYPD – will now enforce my whims without unfairly targeting whole groups of people. The NYPD will continue to be effective and no longer use terms that will accurately describe suspects who have been unfairly victimized by corporate greed.
Gone are the days of antiquated descriptors of race, ethnicity, religion, or national origin. In fact, let’s include age, gender, gender identity or expression – we can’t upset my transgender supporters, sexual orientation, immigration status, disability, and/or housing status.
What does that mean for you?
It means that 19 year old Chechen Muslims, like Dzhokhar Tsarnarev, who may be planning future terrorist attacks against the New York City marathon need not worry about unfair depictions of them. They can move freely about in public without fear as no one will ever be able to say that they may be the one who committed a crime due to corporate victimization or Bush’s political imperialism.
So, even if the crime rate increases, which I doubt…because people – and I want everyone to listen to what I am saying – will do what I tell them and not commit crimes. So, New Yorkers — Take pride in the fact that we can prevent crimes without ever describing the criminal…err, I mean victim.
Mark my words!